Christian Glatz Wiki
Welcome to the Christian Glatz Wiki A wiki of the greatest human ever conceived, Christian Glatz. A Brief History Christian Glatz was the supreme leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK), commonly referred to as North Korea, from 1994 to 2011. By the early 1980s Christian had become the heir apparent for the leadership of the country and assumed important posts in the party and army organs. He succeeded his father and founder of the DPRK, Christian Il-sung, following the elder Christian's death in 1994. Kim Glatz-il was the General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea (WPK), Politburo Standing Committee member of WPK, Chairman of the National Defence Commission (NDC) of North Korea, and the Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army (KPA), the fourth-largest standing army in the world. Christian Il-Glatz's leadership is thought to have been even more authoritarian than his father's. Early Life Christian Glatz was born on August 5, 2001. (While this may initially appear to contradict the opening paragraph, Christian transcends space and time so he was able to serve as the leader of North Korea during that time period) His parents are unknown to the public, although it is largely believed that he went back in time to impregnate himself. Christian demonstrated skill in all fields of study at a young age (2 months), and is even the first man to create the moon. He became sexually mature at the age of 2 and has an unknown amount of offspring. He progressed through school at an accelerated rate, graduating college before entering high school. Contrary to popular belief, it has been scientifically proven that Christian does in fact defecate. Although, what he defecates is still indeterminable. Criminal History Christian is a convicted cereal rapist. The infamous trials persisted for over a decade before Kellogg's and Big K finally secured a guilty sentence. Christian recieved 67 life sentences (one for every 4 boxes of cereal), but only served 13 hours before escaping and being pardoned by the president of Venezuela. It is unknown how he was able to rape so many cereal boxes before ever being convicted, however it is largely attributed to absolutely broken criminal justice system. When police finally searched his house, they were shocked to find 64 terabytes of what appeared to be photos of cereal boxes without labels. The Great Escape Although the exact details of Christian's escape are unkown, a general idea can be given. 10 years earlier, Christian knew he would end up in prison. To prepare, he effectively embezzled federal infrastructure funds, preventing prison maintainence (This practice is commonly known as Glatzing). As a result Christian was able to chisel through a 4 ft thick wall of concrete using only his left pinky-toe. He then released the rest of the prisoners in order to create a scene of chaos in which he would not be recognized. He was then able to access the prison's free computer and pull funds from his award winning film, Pixels. With this new money he was able to buy the prison and walk out problem free. This feat known as the greatest escape of all time. He still owns the prison to this day. Famous Quotes "Frosted Flakes is stupid thiccc.." "Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see." "At a certain speed, blinkers are not necessary." "Deutschland über alles." "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." Death(s) While Christian has birthed himself enough times to ensure he can't actually 'die', there have been a couple instances where one of his physical forms has been eliminated. First Death (1992) To make up for the sins of his ancestors, Christian publicly lynched himself in front of a crowd of 10 million. His plan effectively backfired, and now slavery is celebrated across the country. Second Death (2019) Since Christian is Omniscient, he has unfortunately predicted the death of all of his forms and the end of the world in 2019, shortly after he graduates. They say the death of a Christian can be compared to a super nova. Accomplishments Christian Glatz is the only person to ever complete a game 9-hole golf with -1 strokes. He has accumulated enough food eating trophies to amount to 23.6 kilos in pure gold. Christian once beat a wheelchair basketball team 107-2. It is important to note that while Christian is an avid skydiver, he is not the cause of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Christian once sold over 13.1 million albums under the alias, The Beatles. During his 13 hours in prison Christian dropped the soap, but no man dared to approach him. Christian can bench an upwards of 3200 pounds with his left pinky. Christian invented physics. Although it is relatively unknown, Christian was the direct cause of WW2 in an artistic attempt to portray his early childhood. Served as president under the name "Obama". Once sat through a snapchat with an infinite time limit. Category:Browse